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Let’s talk about something people rarely talk about — poop.
Specifically, I want to talk about how being autistic affects hygiene and bodily awareness, and why, sometimes, people like me might accidentally leave marks on furniture without realizing it.
Someone in my life has been blaming me for this. And not just blaming — threatening to leave because of it.
That kind of response isn’t just painful — it’s devastating. Because what they see as carelessness or filth is, for me, a neurological challenge. One that I already carry a lot of shame and anxiety around.
🧠 Autism and Toileting Are Complicated
A lot of autistic people struggle with things like wiping after going to the toilet. Not because we don’t care — but because our brains and bodies process the world differently. Here’s what that can look like:
- Sensory overwhelm: The texture of toilet paper might feel too rough or weird. The smell can be overpowering. Just being in a bathroom can be overstimulating. That makes it hard to focus or take the time needed to clean thoroughly.
- Motor coordination issues: Wiping takes balance, awareness of where your body is in space, and precise movements. For people with dyspraxia or proprioception issues (common in autism), this can be a real challenge.
- Executive dysfunction: My brain sometimes skips steps without me noticing. I might think I’ve finished cleaning, even when I haven’t. That’s not me being careless — it’s a breakdown in processing.
- Avoidance from trauma or shame: If you’ve ever been punished or mocked for toileting accidents, your brain can start trying to avoid the whole process. That creates a vicious cycle of anxiety and unintentional neglect.
It can be even more difficult when there are co-occurring issues like joint pain, hypermobility, or other physical disabilities. Many autistic people also live with conditions that affect the joints — like Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome or arthritis — which can make it physically painful or even impossible to twist, reach, and wipe properly. Even mild cerebral palsy can reduce coordination and control. And for some people, especially if weight or body shape makes movement more limited, physically turning to wipe can become exhausting or even unsafe. These are real barriers, not excuses.
This isn’t something that just shows up in adulthood. For many autistic people, these challenges start in early childhood — sometimes even before they can speak. Difficulties with toilet training, understanding body signals, or handling sensory input often begin young and, without support or understanding, can continue through adolescence and into adult life. That doesn’t mean we aren’t capable — it means we often need different tools, time, or approaches to succeed.
Another part of this is that I don’t always manage to get wipes out in time. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll need them — I assume it’ll be a quick or normal bathroom trip. Other times, especially when I have sudden diarrhea, there simply isn’t time. Everything happens so fast my body just “explodes” and all I can do is get to the toilet in time, never mind prepping supplies. It’s not about laziness. It’s panic and urgency mixed with unpredictability.
So yes — sometimes that means an accident happens. A mark is left. It’s not intentional. It’s not dirty in the moral sense. It’s a signal that I’m struggling and need help, not punishment.
⚠️ When You’re Told “This Is Why I Might Leave You”
When someone says they’re going to leave over something like this, it goes deeper than the issue itself. What they’re really saying is: “I see this as a moral failing, not a support need.”
That’s incredibly painful. Not just because I don’t want to lose them, but because it means they’re seeing my struggles as choices. As something I could “just stop doing” if I tried hard enough.
What hurts even more is when they say things like, “I’m always getting ill because of this.” I understand that hygiene issues can be unpleasant — I’m not denying that. But it wasn’t done on purpose. I didn’t intentionally make anyone sick. Saying that I’m the reason someone is unwell, especially when I’m already trying to manage something difficult and deeply personal, only adds to the shame and isolation. If anything, it makes it harder for me to talk about it or ask for help.
What makes this even harder is when they say things like, “I’m going to tell my dad you keep making me sick.” That kind of threat — especially when I’ve done nothing intentional — just adds to the weight I’m already carrying. It makes me feel like a danger instead of someone struggling with something that isn’t fully in my control. And when you’re autistic, living under constant threat of being exposed or shamed to others, even loved ones, it can feel like the walls are closing in.
What makes it worse is that instead of addressing the issue with me directly, my partner sometimes chooses to complain about the blog post — and the situation itself — to their father. That doesn’t solve anything. It only adds another layer of stress and shame, making me feel like I’m being talked about behind my back instead of spoken to with care and honesty. If the goal is to build understanding and support, backchanneling complaints just adds to the divide.
But I am trying. And it’s exhausting.
What I need is not threats. What I need is help finding solutions:
- A bidet attachment so I don’t have to struggle with wiping.
- Fragrance-neutralizing products that make the process less overwhelming.
- Reminders, routines, and space to take care of myself without pressure or shame.
- Conversations rooted in care, not ultimatums.
🚿 Why a Shower Can Be a Lifesaver
Sometimes the easiest and cleanest solution is a shower. Especially for those of us with joint pain, coordination issues, or sudden digestive distress, trying to clean thoroughly with toilet paper or even wipes isn’t always practical. A shower — particularly one with a handheld head — lets you clean without having to twist painfully or second-guess whether you’ve done it properly.
Showering can also help avoid overstimulation from smell, touch, or repeated wiping. It’s faster, more effective, and less likely to trigger shame spirals. For many neurodivergent or disabled people, it’s not just a backup plan — it’s a necessary hygiene tool. So if I hop in the shower after going to the toilet, I’m not being dramatic. I’m taking care of myself in the best way I can.
❌ Why “Use Your Brain” Doesn’t Help
One of the most common — and most hurtful — things people say when I struggle with something like this is: “Just use your brain.”
Here’s the thing: I am using my brain. Constantly. Too much, sometimes. The problem isn’t a lack of effort — it’s that my brain is wired differently. I don’t always get the right signals about whether I’m clean. I don’t always notice what I’ve done until it’s pointed out. And once I do notice, I often feel overwhelmed with shame or panic, not logic.
Saying “use your brain” implies I’m being lazy or stupid — and I’m not. I’m autistic. My brain works in ways that require support, not insults. If anything, those comments shut me down, make me feel worse, and make it harder to talk about what I need to do better.
If someone you love is struggling, don’t attack them for how their brain works. Ask how you can help instead. We’re more likely to improve with compassion than with criticism.
🧡 If You’re Someone Who’s Dealt With This
I get that it’s upsetting. I really do. But please, before you respond in anger, ask yourself: Is this really about hygiene? Or is this about not understanding what’s going on?
Because if someone you love is autistic and dealing with hygiene issues like this, they’re probably not being careless — they’re overwhelmed, confused, and probably afraid of being judged or abandoned.
And when they are judged or abandoned — especially by someone they care about — it only makes things worse.
This isn’t about filth. It’s about neurology. It’s about shame. It’s about being human in a world that often doesn’t accommodate the way our brains work.
Please don’t shame us. Please don’t leave us over something that can be supported, managed, and understood.
I’m not gross. I’m not dirty. I’m autistic. And I’m doing the best I can.
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