So you want to sell coffee or tea. Thought it would be a nice wee project. Maybe even fun. Aye, I had the same thought once. How naïve that was.
The Myth of Easy Success
Everyone imagines a little online shop, a few pretty bags of beans or loose leaf tea, a few Instagram posts, and suddenly you’re rolling in orders.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Reality is a different beast. Every shop, distributor, and café you approach looks at you like you’re trying to smuggle ethically sourced beans past a border checkpoint. Some places ignore you as if you had offended the very concept of caffeine. Apparently, ethics are a threat to the natural order.
Gatekeepers Everywhere
The coffee and tea world has gatekeepers. Invisible ones. They are everywhere, sipping their single-origin espresso while politely pretending you do not exist. Your product is too ethical, too artisanal, too colourful, too anything, apparently.
I’ve had plenty of meetings and conversations that left me wondering if I had accidentally insulted their entire supply chain. Astonishing how easily enthusiasm is interpreted as cheek.
The Absurd Requirements
If you manage to get noticed, welcome to the maze.
Cafés want paperwork. Distributors want certifications. Shops want an attitude that somehow combines charm, humility, and invisibility.
All while you try not to spill coffee on your shirt, curse the logistics, or lose your sense of humour entirely.
And God help you if your product is ethically sourced. Suddenly you are a radical. Suddenly your beans are too morally upright to be handled by humans.
Then there are influencers. One actually told me that if I did not send them a bag of coffee, they would assume I was a fake company. I laughed, I sipped my tea, and I politely reminded them that credibility is not measured by free samples. But apparently in this world, it is.
Lessons Learned While Losing Patience
- Persistence beats panic. Showing up consistently earns respect.
- Quality matters more than hype. People forgive everything else if the coffee tastes like heaven.
- Humour is a shield. Dry, sarcastic commentary makes frustration bearable and shareable.
- Ethics will confuse people. Keep doing it anyway. It separates you from the usual nonsense.
Coffee, Tea, and Perspective
Through all the strange requests and absurd situations, the work continues. The coffee still smells rich, the tea still soothes, and the affiliate scheme still rewards fairly. Every obstacle is a reminder that building something honest in a world full of shortcuts feels rebellious. And that is exactly the kind of rebellion worth brewing.
Dreaming Big Without the Bank’s Blessing
Don’t get me wrong, I would love a setup that mirrors Whittard’s — shops with cafes attached, all cosy and professional.
But anyone gonna lend me a couple of hundred with no asking for cash back for a few years? Aye, didn’t think so.
I wish some random millionaire or billionaire would just fork over the cash, or maybe some rich film star that wouldn’t mind donating a wee sum.
It’s funny though. The ambition is there, the caffeine is there, the ethics are there. It’s just the money that’s shy.
Final Thought
Breaking into the coffee and tea world is like trying to explain quantum physics to a cat. Confusing. Frustrating. Slightly hilarious. But if you keep at it, eventually someone will notice. And when they do, they will sip your coffee, taste your tea, and wonder why everyone else was such a pain in the backside.
Aye. That’s when it is worth it.
If you’re reading this in the UK, you’re in luck. For folks abroad, sorry — we can’t ship the stuff outside the UK. But maybe take a chance with our teas and coffees anyway. You might just enjoy the ride.
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