Well, folks, the comedy continues in the hit sitcom that is our real-life housing situation, brought to you by none other than Tewkesbury Borough Council. This week’s episode? A thrilling plot twist titled: “Actually, We Were Always Going to Send You Both to Scotland… Honest!”
Now, gather ‘round and let’s set the scene.
Picture it: Tewkesbury, 2025. Two weary souls sit across from a Housing Team member, desperately seeking escape from the delightful sonic torture of subwoofer-from-above. The promise of freedom lies far to the north—Scotland, land of lochs, legends, and, hopefully, less noise.
But alas! The official informs us with the stern expression of someone breaking bad news while pretending it’s helpful:
🗣 “We can only fund one of you to go. Just one. The other… maybe try sprouting wings?”
And this wasn’t a rogue opinion either. The housing officer had gotten full permission from their manager to make this incredibly generous offer of… drumroll… a return ticket for one person. That’s right! Return! You know, in case they missed the chaos and fancied popping back for tea and trauma.
Cut to today: the council has spun their own plot twist worthy of a soap opera cliffhanger.
Suddenly, they claim, “Oh no no no, we always intended to send both of you to Scotland! It was just a big misunderstanding… or maybe a minor hallucination on your part. Who’s to say?“
Did we imagine the entire awkward appointment? The spreadsheet of travel prices? The solemn, manager-approved verdict that there’d only be enough funding to half-rescue us? Did we dream the moment where we asked, “But how are we supposed to relocate as a couple?” and were met with a shrug that could power a wind turbine?
Honestly, I’d love to have seen how they thought this would work:
- One of us gets a council-funded return ticket to Scotland.
- The other follows behind in a shopping trolley, screaming, “WAIT FOR ME!” as we hit Carlisle.
Maybe we missed the fine print where housing support only applies to couples if one of you can fit in the other’s carry-on luggage.
Anyway, the moral of the story?
If you’re planning on escaping Tewkesbury with your significant other, just make sure to bring:
- A printout of the council’s ever-shifting narrative,
- A signed note from a manager that now apparently means nothing,
- And maybe one of those comedy two-person horse costumes. If only one of you gets funded, you can at least pretend to be one entity.
Next week on “Escape from Bureaucracy Island”—will the council claim we were actually never in England to begin with? Were we Scottish all along? Stay tuned.
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