Growing up, and honestly even now, my family have this pattern. They’re happy to “help” when it fits them, but the moment you need actual help, suddenly it’s a problem. A lift in the rain? Taking advantage. Dropping off food without being asked? Generous and thoughtful. Ask for support that actually matters? Guilty until proven innocent.
When I asked my family to help support my small business, literally just buying a gift or household item from me instead of Amazon, it was treated as if I had demanded thousands of pounds a month. Instead of supporting my business in small ways, they have said they would rather just hand me the money. Thanks, I guess, but that is not helpful at all for what I am actually trying to do. Supporting a small business is more than a cash handout. It is about acknowledging the work and effort I am putting in to build something independent.
It is confusing because they also tell me I should be independent and earn my own way. Sure. But then they actively undermine that independence by refusing to support me when it would help me get there. Constant contradictions.
It is enough to make you question whether running a business is worth it, especially when you remember the countless times you were judged for not being employed in the first place. Can’t win either way.
Which is why I barely ever ask my family for help. Every time I do, I get guilt-tripped or treated as if I have done something wrong just for asking. It is not laziness or dependence. It is because I have already tried everything else and genuinely cannot manage on my own. Most people get a hand up from those closest to them when they fall. I cannot rely on that.
The contradictions are never-ending. One moment I get messages like
“Your brothers and myself have done our best to get you settled back home, but there is a limit to our generosity. Brian was saying you contacted him for a lift from Morrisons tonight because it was raining. He dropped some shopping off at yours on Friday also which was really good of him, but don’t take advantage of our generosity as you will use up any goodwill very quickly if we feel you are taking the piss. Your best bet is to get your bus pass sorted out.”
And then the next
“That’s all I ever wanted, everyone needs a little help up, especially family, to be able to stand on their own two feet and become independent. I know you are capable of so much more. Yes, you will have challenges, but with help you could achieve so much more than you do. I want you to be the best you can be. Yes, you are autistic, yes, you have a degree of cerebral palsy, but you don’t know what you can achieve until you try. Proud of you for at last thinking forward.”
So helpful or contradictory? You decide.
Then there is the classic “getting a job is easy” line. For someone autistic, finding and keeping employment is not exactly a walk in the park. Navigating sensory overload, unpredictable social expectations, and constant changes is exhausting. When people say “just get a job,” it really shows how little they understand about the effort it takes just to get through day to day.
Over time, I have pretty much emotionally detached from my family. They exist in blood only, not in any sense of support. The ones who deny me help are often the same ones who ask for help from me without hesitation. And I have been made to feel guilty if I do not jump to assist them.
If my family are reading this and thinking “oh, blame your partner for all of this,” give your head a wobble. It has been like this since forever. Long before my partner was in the picture, I barely ever felt included in anything my family was doing, and when I was, it came with conditions or judgement.
The age gap between me and my brothers? Never felt like we had a relationship at all. That is a big part of why I moved to Gloucestershire. If I was not going to get support without guilt from my family, it did not matter where I lived.
Reflection
Independence is not about never needing help. It is about figuring out who actually shows up when it matters and who only does it when it suits them. Help should not come with conditions, guilt, or the threat of losing goodwill.
For me, it has shown the kind of person I want to be. Someone who helps when asked, not for praise, not for image, but because it actually makes a difference. Sometimes a small gesture at the right time can change everything.
#FamilyDynamics #HelpWhenAsked #HelpWhenOffered #AutismAwareness #Independence #SmallBusinessSupport #EmotionalDetachment #Contradictions #SelfReliance #LifeReflections #FamilySupport #PersonalGrowth #MentalHealth #Boundaries #LifeExperience #AutisticVoices