Let’s talk about the culinary desert that is gluten-free food. Dry. Crumbly. About as moist as a stale cracker left in the glovebox of a sunbaked car.
This isn’t a dig at people with celiac disease or gluten sensitivities. Your health matters. But somewhere along the line, “gluten-free” became a synonym for “flavorless disappointment held together by sorcery and xanthan gum.”
Gluten is the protein that gives bread its chewy soul, the elasticity in pizza dough, the glue that holds baked dreams together. Without it, you’ve got something that turns to dust the moment it hits oxygen. Bite into a gluten-free muffin and you’ll find yourself reaching for water like you just crossed the Mojave.
Gluten-free cake? More like regret layered with frosting. Cookies? They shatter like your hopes after one bite. Sandwich bread? You’ll be reconstructing it like ancient ruins before you can slap on the filling.
We have the tech. We’ve got food scientists, alternative flours, moisture-enhancing ingredients. And still, half the time, the result tastes like edible drywall—dry like it was left in the glovebox during a heatwave, or worse, like it was baked inside the sun-drenched depths of Satan’s buttcrack. There, I said it.
So here’s the deal for gluten-free bakers:
- Stop pretending almond flour is enough.
- Add real moisture.
- Embrace applesauce, mashed bananas, yogurt, oil—whatever makes the damn thing edible.
- Texture matters. Taste matters. Food shouldn’t feel like punishment.
There’s a better gluten-free future out there. One where the baked goods don’t self-destruct mid-bite. But first, we’ve got to stop pretending “dry” is a dietary virtue.
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