Let’s talk about a purple space warlord who thinks he’s doing the universe a favor by halving its population. Snap! Half the life is gone. Boom. Problem solved, right?
Wrong.
That’s not how ecosystems work, my dudes. That’s not how anything works.
Imagine you’ve got a planet barely scraping by. Resources are tight. People are hungry. Oceans are coughing up plastic instead of fish. So what does this galaxy-brained lunatic do? Instead of fixing distribution, logistics, or, I don’t know, capitalist greed, he decides to randomly obliterate 50% of all life. ALL life.
Not just people. Trees. Crops. Cows. Bees. Microbes. Every second cow vanishes, and now you’ve got half the steaks and still a full appetite. Every second farm? Gone. Every second farmer? Dust. Every second person who knows how to fix a broken water purifier? Poof. Now you’re starving AND thirsty.
“But there’s more room now!”
Yes. Room to die in. Welcome to your front-row seat for the collapse of the global food chain. We’re not talking utopia — we’re talking total systemic failure.
Oh, and let’s not forget the irony of using an all-powerful cosmic weapon to not create more resources, redistribute excess, or even conjure renewable energy. No, no. Just delete half the game board and call it balance. That’s like fixing a leaky faucet by setting the house on fire. Technically, yes, the dripping stopped. But congrats, genius — you’re also homeless.
Here’s a wild idea: maybe the problem isn’t that there are too many mouths. Maybe it’s that too few of the mouths have all the food, all the clean water, and all the billion-dollar spaceships.
But hey, “kill half of everything” sounds cool in a trailer. It’s edgy. It’s simple. It’s lazy. Just like every dystopian tech billionaire’s idea of utopia: fewer people and more space for yachts.
So no, Galactic Thanatologist Extraordinaire. You didn’t save the universe. You triggered a logistical nightmare so brutal it’d make a space accountant cry.
Next time, maybe just… fund universal farming tech or fix the space supply chain, yeah?
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